Monday, February 21, 2011

The Tension

I've been meaning to write this down for a while now, but blogging keeps falling off the "must get done today" list. A lot of days, things on that list don't get done. I got up at 6:30 today and felt like I'd slept in. Stupid responsibility. I hate you most days.

Anyway back to the subject at hand:

When God was creating, He made animals and angels and us*. Each were/are wonderful in their own way. Actually, He's the one who said they were "good". Although, when I see the fall, I wonder where the innate good went. But thats a much longer post though and other than my good friend who leads worship, most of you wouldn't care enough to keep reading.

Animals do what they want, when they want. Their entire existence is summed up by saying they do what they feel like doing, regardless. It's me at my worst. My biggest shame comes from the times I acted like an animal and did what I felt like doing, when I felt like doing it, regardless of who it affected and hurt.

Angels have zero physical desires. They aren't physical beings. They don't get hungry. They don't marry and have the pleasure of having sex with the one you love. They don't burn with passion and lust. They've never gotten angry and overreacted. There are not throw downs in Heaven because one angel slept with the other's girlfriend when he was on a special mission for Jesus. For years legalists have burdened the church with the lie: Living like an angel is possible and desireable. Deny that you burn with passion. Deny things taste good. Deny love and pleasure, even in the right context. Paul called this teaching demonic and said the men who taught it were insincere liars who's consciences are numb*.

After angels and animals God made us. Like animals we desire. Like angels we need to not indulge in everything under the sun. It's like in us, the characteristic that separates us from an animal or an angel is the ability to choose what's best. It's in the tension that makes us human. It's the tension to choose what's best for our relationship with Christ or what's best for our family or what's best for others feelings that reflects the image of God.

And here's what the fall does: It tries to get us to pick a side and go headlong overboard in that direction. The fall is trying to get you to act like an animal. The fall is trying to get you to act like an angel.
So here's how it plays out:
Cancun on spring break - Animal
Skirts and buns - Angel
Jersey Shore - Animal
"Christian" Music - Angel
Porn - Animal
Teetotalism - Angel

There is life in the tension. There is joy.

When you live like an animal, it ends like Solomon, starring at your indulgence and screaming, "I hate you - you betrayed me. You promised me fulfillment but you left me wanting. You were the wind, I could never catch you."

When you live like an angel it ends with hypocrisy. Everytime. Or for those of us who aren't hiding our sin and are a bit more truthful, trying to live like an angel ends with, "Screw it! I can't keep these rules. Maybe some people can, but I can't. Eff it, I'm done trying to be good."

The tension acknowledges that sex and beer are good, but without maturity, boundaries and accountability to someone or something, they'll ruin you. But won't everything ruin you without limits? How many young couples divorce because they are too busy with their kids extra-curricular activities like soccer and little league baseball that they've forgot to spend time together?

Wrestling with the tension is part of what it means to be a Christian. Wrestling in the tension brings life and joy. Finding out what's best is what it means to be human. And the fall is going to fight you to the death to get you to act like anything other than what you were created to be.

*I got this idea from a Rob Bell book for those of you who recognize plagiarism.
*1 Timothy 4

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Stupid Sanctification

I'm tired.

It's been six months since my last blog. Mostly because I think blogs should be the "spill-over" from life. I haven't had much spilling lately.

I think this tired thought started when I put two and two together realizing I was going to miss hanging out with my cousin, who lives far off, this weekend because I'm busy.

I'm so thankful for my job. It pays the bills. I actually enjoy it. I work with good people. I even work with some family. I sit within 10 yards of my father at least 4 days a week. It's a gift. And it's 40 hours of my week I can't get back without getting a dock in pay.

I am married to the most virtuous woman I know. Her character and goodness seem to know no end. Solomon tells his bride in the Song, "Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,
by the gate of Bath-rabbim." Not a big deal, until you realize that in 1000 BC, those pools were where an Israelite might take his two weeks. He essentially says, "When I look into your eyes, you make me feel like I'm on vacation." My wife's eyes make me feel like I'm on the beach.

I have two little boys. They are the great joy of my life. I didn't understand how God could love me though my growing pains until Eli. After I got dressed this morning, I found Joe in the playroom with fresh face art. When I looked at Eli he was smiling, beaming from ear to ear, holding a blue sharpie. Little boys make me happy. Tonight we played backyard football/chase the guy with the ball, until dark. They make me want to be a good father.

We are part of a church in it's infancy (thecolonychurch.com). We think church is more than a concert. It takes more of you than a podcast can ever ask for, and because someone has a big church and they've put into words the 10 easy steps to growing a group bigger than 250, we think franchise church isn't for us here in Tyler. It's the people with whom you break bread and drink wine that makes a church. Read Acts. It's those who you love and share your life with that make church more than a concert, podcast and franchise. At our core we believe that if you start with community, if you start with people loving each other and loving Christ - you'll come to a point where you can't help but worship and learn the scriptures together. We believe that will come as naturally and be as inevitable as childbirth. Likewise, it may ask for a big commitment, for a long time and it might hurt. But in the end, it's going to be worth it.

These are good things. I might be the most blessed man I know. I'm humbled and moved to tears in thankfulness. But at my worst, I feel tired. Thoughts of selfishness linger. "Why have we burdened ourselves with this much responsibility?" "I'm tired of being accountable and having to answer to others outside of myself." "I'm tired of having a calendar." "I want to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and go where I want to."

But in those moments, I'm a child. I'm a narrow, short sighted, narcissistic fool. Joy is in being poured out. The year of me ends in sin and loneliness. Did I forget so quickly how blessed I am to have these things in my life? Did I so quickly ignore the fact that responsibility is a major factor in my sanctification?

The spiritual push back for me is the false promise of the easy life. Dear Eat, Drink, be Merry - I hate you and how you leave us wanting! Pleasure all the time, everyday is the best recipe for enmity for everything.

So thank you responsibility. You make me pray. You make me depend. You make me trust and hope and care. You help stay my horrific sinful appetite. And most importantly, you have helped my life continually be shaped by the gospel. I'll try to not turn my back on you for at least a few more weeks. Or at least until deer season and I have to set up some chairs for a young church that meets twice a month in a hotel...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Putting carts before horses

My day consists of this:
I get up when most people do. Get ready. Sometimes I go get a waking little boy or two. I kiss and hug their mother. She makes me coffee most of the time so I kiss her again. If the boys aren't awake I ask Sheila if I can go wake them to tell them bye. She treatens to take my coffee away.

I go to work. I'm blessed to have a good job with good people. But I do what I do so I can pay our bills. If I find sunken treasure, I'd probably let someone take my spot. I try to work hard so I can continue to provide. I got home at 7 today.

When I get off work, I call home to see if there's anything I need to pick up for dinner. A lot of the time when I drive in the drive way, both boys are waiting at the front door and run and crawl to the truck. From that shreiking moment until about 9pm - it's busy. Backyard baseball, monster truck rallies, and races around the coffee table. We eat. We clean up after the food bomb named Josiah.

Baths.
Put Joe to bed. He's easy. Actually he reaches for his bed. Throw him in while I pray for him. He's gone.

Then maybe a "Man Show" with Eli.
After I pray and cover and drop a couple of elbows on Eli in his bed, I go say Hello to my wonderful bride.

There's about an hour or two left before we go to bed. Sometimes that's filled with bills or sermons or studying, etc.

I love my life.

But I imagine if you took me back 15 years ago and I didn't know Shiela or Eli or Josiah: If you told me I had to get up early to go to work, couldn't fish whenever I felt like it, couldn't spend all my money on hunting... If you told me I had to change diapers and clean up food bombs.

It would sound like prison.

But I feel in love with Sheila first. And it started what I now see as a semi-charmed life.

That's why I think we should preach the goodness of God. Without a heavy love for the King, the kingdom looks like a prison to those looking in... It's foolishness to those perishing.

At times I've been a fool. Carts come after the horse. So preach the cross. The cart will always follow - they're tied to horse and useless without him.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

For our joy and His glory

The last week has been a blur.

I'm pretty sure I've experienced more emotions, stronger emotions, than I have in a very long time. In fact, the range of emotion has been comical - from a terrible nervousness to deep joy, from a heavy thankfulness to a shameful anger.

I am so thankful God has been so good to us over the last week.

I'm so thankful for our church and the deep friendships. It stirs my affections for Christ.

I'm so thankful for my beautiful bride and our two sons. And I'm so thankful for their health.

I'm thankful that we get to get a new car that is going to have less miles and be more reliable.

After I've finally had a couple of hours to reflect on the last few days, I'm amazed.

Oh how He must love us.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The depth of my Depravity

My heart is wicked.

It sucks, honestly.

I've been trying to fight the good fight for a long time now - nearly 12 years. I'm almost 30, so you'd think that my heart would've learned - be good, like the light, and for goodness sake, stop wishing cigarettes didn't cause cancer.

I don't know when it started, but somewhere around puberty, I began acquire a thirst for bad things. I guess "bad" is a relative term, so let me clarify:
I had a pretty semi-charmed life growing up, so it didn't come from this place of being self-destructive, trying to cope with pain from home or divorce or worse. To me that's a different story all together.
It was that I really, really enjoyed the things I had to keep secret.

I remember being young and scoring a pack of cigarettes from an acquaintance. Everyone I knew that smoked was only trying to fit in and look grown up. I never told anyone about that first pack of smokes; I would just go home and smoke in the woods behind my house. Only because I liked it.

I have this great friend that I travel with pretty often. We talk a lot. I belly laugh at his stories from High School. They all have this element about them: they aren't exactly loaded with godliness but they aren't shameful. I feel a bit envious of him, because, with an exception of about 3 or 4 good stories, my stories aren't funny. I wish they were something charming, like: I had a fake ID and we got drunk and threw up in your neighbor's bushes, but most of the time they are weightier and not fun when I share.

I know if you took inventory of my sins and lined them up next to "that guy you know", mine might pale in comparison in the scope of our 30 year existence. Sometimes at work they make jokes or share emails and purposefully exclude me as if not to taint me, which is fine. But I know what my heart was like at 17 - when Kappa Sig President was too bashful, I was pushing the envelope.

I can't imagine where my sin would've taken me if God hadn't rescued me at 18. I can't imagine what would've happened if God hadn't turned me upside down and into a freak. I wish I could've been that guy who didn't ever seem to be mastered by pleasure and was able to maintain a level of innocence without begging for Christ's ferocious grace.

Although God has made me into a new man, my heart still thirsts for bad things. It's embarrassing. I still struggle to not give in to the same cravings that completely took me away 12 years ago. I still want to be that kid behind the fence. I still want to live in blind unbridled selfishness. But today these desires present themselves differently and with such subtlety.

As if it's a twist to a beautiful story, it's these embarrassing moments, when I see the depth of my depravity, that reminds me of the goodness of God. Surely, I am cursed and gone astray! But He saves. It's been his amazing grace that has kept me and doesn't let me go. It's His love and mercy that has helped me win small battles that have kept me from having huge disasters. It's his heavy pursuit that brings me back to the cross over and over again.

Honestly, my wicked heart helps me believe in a savior. There's no other way to explain the last 12 years.

I am so thankful.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Future men and me

I feel like after I decided to follow Jesus, I grew in Him thinking that certain things were REALLY spiritual, as if God was more involved in certain activities. It wasn't as if God didn't like certain life choices, but if you really wanted to please Him, you should die single and alone in a mud hut in Africa; no, excuse me: single, alone and martyred in your mud hut, that you didn't own, in Africa.

Thank you Thursday night youth camp guy. It wasn't until I was in my 20's I learned you were traveling around making six figures and having to pastor nobody. Please don't take that the wrong way, I believe your intentions were fantastic, and God's spirit was definitely used to speak to my heart and the hearts of many, but your mud hut was in the suburbs on a 30 year note.

After several years of trying, Sheila finally fell in love with me. It was then I felt heavy as if I was cheating on Jesus, which when I write it down, I'm sure, sounds a bit homosexual to the non-christian. I just wondered, "How could God be happy with me loving someone else so much?" I kept hearing that guy on stage telling the story of the Rich Young Ruler who walked away from Jesus disappointed because he loved his life.

I am so thankful for this tension I had to grow thru - It made me wrestle with faith and morality. I'm glad this tension didn't let me make my faith just another block in my feeble toy castle, but the paint pouring and coloring everything in my life. I'm thankful for the legalist that encouraged us to live only in Christian bubbles with Christian music playing over the intercom. I'm thankful for the liberals who hate the republican party and think being green is more valuable than being sober.

But most of all, I'm thankful that God is most interested in us being interested in Him. I'm thankful He's interested in us making His Name great in everything. I am thankful that I'm learning our great reward is Him, period.

I'm thankful He helps us mature, value moderation over teetotalism, love over law, forgiveness over judgement, and family and community over doing church and having empty service.

As if the circle has gone all the way round, I now feel called to reveal what Christianity looks like thru my marriage and our deep unending love. I feel like I am revealing the goodness of God, who is a father, to my two boys.

Dates, Monster Trucks and Milk are not only important to me know, but deeply spiritual and as it's used in Genesis, they are very, very "Good."