Stupid Sanctification

I'm tired.

It's been six months since my last blog. Mostly because I think blogs should be the "spill-over" from life. I haven't had much spilling lately.

I think this tired thought started when I put two and two together realizing I was going to miss hanging out with my cousin, who lives far off, this weekend because I'm busy.

I'm so thankful for my job. It pays the bills. I actually enjoy it. I work with good people. I even work with some family. I sit within 10 yards of my father at least 4 days a week. It's a gift. And it's 40 hours of my week I can't get back without getting a dock in pay.

I am married to the most virtuous woman I know. Her character and goodness seem to know no end. Solomon tells his bride in the Song, "Your eyes are pools in Heshbon,
by the gate of Bath-rabbim." Not a big deal, until you realize that in 1000 BC, those pools were where an Israelite might take his two weeks. He essentially says, "When I look into your eyes, you make me feel like I'm on vacation." My wife's eyes make me feel like I'm on the beach.

I have two little boys. They are the great joy of my life. I didn't understand how God could love me though my growing pains until Eli. After I got dressed this morning, I found Joe in the playroom with fresh face art. When I looked at Eli he was smiling, beaming from ear to ear, holding a blue sharpie. Little boys make me happy. Tonight we played backyard football/chase the guy with the ball, until dark. They make me want to be a good father.

We are part of a church in it's infancy (thecolonychurch.com). We think church is more than a concert. It takes more of you than a podcast can ever ask for, and because someone has a big church and they've put into words the 10 easy steps to growing a group bigger than 250, we think franchise church isn't for us here in Tyler. It's the people with whom you break bread and drink wine that makes a church. Read Acts. It's those who you love and share your life with that make church more than a concert, podcast and franchise. At our core we believe that if you start with community, if you start with people loving each other and loving Christ - you'll come to a point where you can't help but worship and learn the scriptures together. We believe that will come as naturally and be as inevitable as childbirth. Likewise, it may ask for a big commitment, for a long time and it might hurt. But in the end, it's going to be worth it.

These are good things. I might be the most blessed man I know. I'm humbled and moved to tears in thankfulness. But at my worst, I feel tired. Thoughts of selfishness linger. "Why have we burdened ourselves with this much responsibility?" "I'm tired of being accountable and having to answer to others outside of myself." "I'm tired of having a calendar." "I want to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and go where I want to."

But in those moments, I'm a child. I'm a narrow, short sighted, narcissistic fool. Joy is in being poured out. The year of me ends in sin and loneliness. Did I forget so quickly how blessed I am to have these things in my life? Did I so quickly ignore the fact that responsibility is a major factor in my sanctification?

The spiritual push back for me is the false promise of the easy life. Dear Eat, Drink, be Merry - I hate you and how you leave us wanting! Pleasure all the time, everyday is the best recipe for enmity for everything.

So thank you responsibility. You make me pray. You make me depend. You make me trust and hope and care. You help stay my horrific sinful appetite. And most importantly, you have helped my life continually be shaped by the gospel. I'll try to not turn my back on you for at least a few more weeks. Or at least until deer season and I have to set up some chairs for a young church that meets twice a month in a hotel...